My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
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He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.