@BellaBurnley

My ex bf called me today. I answered by screaming “HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!” and hung up.

Should make him wonder a lil bit.

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@dril

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

@murrman5

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

@unbub_

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

@lenadunham

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

@AnOrangeSNES

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

@JustDontBugMe

Iron Man: *mouth full of shawarma* do you think Watson solved the case?

Dr. Strange: probably. we trained him well. If not, we’ll just reverse time and get it done.

@AKATriple

To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane… why the hell were you so excited?

@byrdie_num_num

My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.