Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
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Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
crying
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*