For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
My ex bf called me today. I answered by screaming “HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!” and hung up.
Should make him wonder a lil bit.
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Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”
Iron Man: *mouth full of shawarma* do you think Watson solved the case?
Dr. Strange: probably. we trained him well. If not, we’ll just reverse time and get it done.
To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane… why the hell were you so excited?
My wife and I used to describe our marriage as ‘forever’, now we both prefer the term ‘ad nauseam’.