You deplete me
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you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Autocorrect is my menesis
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.