My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
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Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
best review i’ve ever seen
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
How did we not see this back then?
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here