My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
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ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.