My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
You Might Also Like
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?