“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
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Kate on Facebook can’t believe the ordacity of some people.
I can’t believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can’t spell.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Guarantees in life
2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
In Canada they just call them geese
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance