My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
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My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude