@protolalia

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

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@CulturedRuffian

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

@ArrogantBB8

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

@TheWeirdWorld

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful

@HiddleDeeDee

6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.

It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.

@TimB5150

I miss the days if you were angry while on the phone, you could slam it down without costing $400!

@bvinson23

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

@Hobo_Splendido

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

@truegritrumble

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep