*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
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*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.
It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.
I miss the days if you were angry while on the phone, you could slam it down without costing $400!
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.