My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

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“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”


Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.


Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”


Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget


Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.


you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?


“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.


-guys who work in a crematorium


Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….


I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.