@DeyannaDiedrich: My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
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@iamspacegirl: me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo- Other people on life raft: please stop
@BreachingBad: She : You have a girlfriend. Me : No. I had. She : Where did she go? Me : She Ransomware.
@OakHill_: Twitter: she's on to us Me: No no..it doesn't matter, I love you Twitter: I'm just an app Me: 'Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
@Steven37366100: [First day as a doctor] Patient: *throwing up blood* Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?