My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
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I wish this was real life…
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Social distancing in Australia:
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I have obtained a hat
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.