My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
You Might Also Like
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.