@BadaBinge

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

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@WilliamAder

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

@Smooheed

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

@BonaFideIntent

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

@theDRaGnrebOrN

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

@iLikeCatShirts

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

@Jandalize

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

@KattsDogma

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

@mommajessiec

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

@aparnapkin

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks