My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

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I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.


The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?


I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??


Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.


Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.


Picture me naked.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.


If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or


Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?



Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks