I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
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Say it ain’t so
I will not go
Turn the lights off
Cotton Eye Joe
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Picture me naked.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks