My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
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One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year