My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

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hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol


Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…


I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.


In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.


MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha


Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.


Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.