Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
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INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no