Friend apologizes for mess.
Friend has immaculate house.
Open her closet.
Out comes 78 books, a piano and a gentleman squirrel in a top hat.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
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*spins in circles*
*gets stuck in corner*
*spins in circle*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
God: take the worst of his personality.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I’m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with me when I get Alzheimer’s
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Netflix: are you still watching?
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.