my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
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The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”