@Amusitr0n

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

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@carlyken

Friend apologizes for mess.
Friend has immaculate house.
Open her closet.
Out comes 78 books, a piano and a gentleman squirrel in a top hat.

@TheBoydP

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

@daddydoubts

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

@PlainTravis

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

@ChaseMit

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

@krustythe_klown

I’m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with me when I get Alzheimer’s

@ClichedOut

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England