My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
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You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.