I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
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There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I put the h in mysterious.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm