My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
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Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
❤️🦆
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?