@_jennatural

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

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@theshamingofjay

I just drank coffee I forgot on the counter this morning. It was so cold and bitter I wrote it an alimony check.

@SJSchauer

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

@DavidAdt1

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

@UnFitz

An oversized cargo ship wedged firmly in the Suez Canal, but it’s me trying on my pre-pandemic jeans.

@canadasandra

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

@wittwitbarista

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

@rachelle_mandik

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

@BritXNic

Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.

@theshantilly

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING