Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
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Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*