my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
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For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
favorite tropes as memes
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”