My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
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“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.