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@morethanMI5: My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
@daddydoubts: Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
@iGreenMonk: You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they're trying on clothes in the fitting room.
@darkmatter_wimp: *dims the lights so you look like your selfies*
@ClichedOut: HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
@AnkCoupleTO: Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I'm so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let's call it even