Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
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My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT