@THEDUTHCHESS: My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he'd say "Hello Hello, so you think he'd answered and that's why he's dead.
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@LuvPug: But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom? I mean, look at their costumes.
@meganamram: I never give homeless people drugs because I know they're just going to trade them for food
@LlamaInaTux: Interviewer : what's your five year plan? Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I'd like to get married somed- [interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
@gogocosmonaut: Jesus said that he'd get rid of evil people, whereas Norse gods said they'd get rid of frost giants. nnI don't see many frost giants around.