My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
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Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava