Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
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her: my baby was 8 pounds
me: oh you bought a british one?
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Anyone else bite their bottom lip and make a noise when inserting your headphone plug? Me neither.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey
– The Mamas and the Papas
All the leaves are grey, and the sky is grey