@THEDUTHCHESS

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

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@ObscureGent

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

@macchiatonumb

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

@astutenewf

My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.

@sixfootcandy

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

@timdonakowski

Anyone else bite their bottom lip and make a noise when inserting your headphone plug? Me neither.

@Quartzjixler

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

@turbolazers

All the leaves are brown and the sky is grey

– The Mamas and the Papas

All the leaves are grey, and the sky is grey

– Dogs