My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
You Might Also Like
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you