@Reverend_Scott

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

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@chuuew

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

@weinerdog4life

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

@Darlainky

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

@henchbeaver

I once ate Thanksgiving dinner in a friend’s sex dungeon.

I think about this often.

@JawnQSack

Marilyn Monroe died & was reincarnated into thousands of white girls who can’t be handled at their worst, and aren’t deserved at their best.

@Eightinchgoat

You’re right, strange woman giving me your opinion on having tattoos. I regret them right now because they caused you to talk to me.

@realbjdunne

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

@pharmasean

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels