“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

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SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay


Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.


If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.




“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash


I once ate Thanksgiving dinner in a friend’s sex dungeon.

I think about this often.


Marilyn Monroe died & was reincarnated into thousands of white girls who can’t be handled at their worst, and aren’t deserved at their best.


You’re right, strange woman giving me your opinion on having tattoos. I regret them right now because they caused you to talk to me.


me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t


Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels