My ex is coming to town tomorrow so I have to lose fifty pounds by morning.

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I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.


The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.


I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.


You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor


*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”


I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.


I had to breathe while my cat was sitting on my lap and now she’s disgusted with me.


Leading causes of death among men:
1. Heart attacks
2. Strokes
3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine’s Day