My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
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Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car