Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
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I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?