My ex is looking for a job but I don’t think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she’ll be unemployed for a while.

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I’ll huff
I’ll puff
and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.

-Big Broke Wolf


“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]


You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers


*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?


Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.


“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.


Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*


I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.


Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month