and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.
-Big Broke Wolf
My ex is looking for a job but I don’t think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she’ll be unemployed for a while.
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“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
“Be cool, be cool,
~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?