If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
My ex is looking for a job but I don’t think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she’ll be unemployed for a while.
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If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.
Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I’m not even sure I remember how to have sex without holding my phone.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
-You talkin to my girl?
-What if I am?
No I don’t want to go camping. I go to a dead end job 40+ hours a week just so I don’t have to sleep outside.