My ex is looking for a job but I don’t think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she’ll be unemployed for a while.

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If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife


If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!


Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.


I’m not even sure I remember how to have sex without holding my phone.


Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon


[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.


[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork


SURGEON: …over that scalpel


-You talkin to my girl?
*pops knuckles*

-What if I am?
*cracks neck*

*dislocates shoulder*

*breaks collarbone*

*fractures skull*


No I don’t want to go camping. I go to a dead end job 40+ hours a week just so I don’t have to sleep outside.