My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
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water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.