Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
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Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no