My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

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Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.


I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.


When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.


Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?


Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy


Hour 3: The group of hipsters has accepted me. However, the leader seems suspicious of the cinnamon roll man bun I taped on top of my head.


My neighbour finally confronted me about clothes missing from her washing line.

I nearly shit her pants.


[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first


[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK


I’ve never understood the whole ‘burying people for fun at the beach’. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes