My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
You Might Also Like
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
any last words?
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit