My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
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I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.