@fluffysuse

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

- @fluffysuse

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@mommy_cusses

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

@jenniferfralic

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

@ClichedOut

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

@BSnapz2019

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

@LoveMeNowDad

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

@pleatedjeans

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER