My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
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*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
fr
thanksgiving should be called feaster
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
thanks auntie mary
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*