my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
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No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Just parrot things
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Eat…
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion