@danadonly

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

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@drayzze

Someone told me that coconut oil is great for sex…

So how much do I have to drink beforehand?

@eff_yeah_steph

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

@SvnSxty

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

@rocknthepurple

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

@christinaloca

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

@JohnLyonTweets

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

@unravelingfire

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

@Just__J0

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.