Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
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I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
me and my fake scenarios
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.