My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
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Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied