My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

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I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.


I picked up an ice cream cake & the cashier said keep it in the freezer until serving so it doesn’t melt. I’ve got to start dressing smarter


“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff


I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.


If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.


People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.


*Sees son doing homework*
What u doing?
“Math, it’s due Friday”
*I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth*
They’ll never believe u


If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting


[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*


*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?