@TampaBayMomma

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

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@iAmDelFreaky

I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.

@jjhartinger

I picked up an ice cream cake & the cashier said keep it in the freezer until serving so it doesn’t melt. I’ve got to start dressing smarter

@KeetPotato

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

@Darlainky

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

@TheCiscoKidder

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

@MrFornicator

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

@StayNobody

*Sees son doing homework*
What u doing?
“Math, it’s due Friday”
*I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth*
They’ll never believe u

@_Tempo11

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

@ChrisScarlette

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?