My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
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CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I hope Alan is OK
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.