@MelvinofYork

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

- @MelvinofYork

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@TheToddWilliams

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

@tweetsbyrocket

grandad: a tattoo will negatively affect your future

me: cut your carbon emissions

grandad: no

@TheTweetOfGod

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

@JustMeTurtle

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

@jonnysun

to cause mass hysteria at a wedding, slowley turn the volum down when the “shout” song says “a litle bit louder now, a litle bit louder now”

@robfromonline

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw