My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
You Might Also Like
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.