I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
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I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don’t have a garden.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
just heard a 19-year-old talk about how ‘exhausted’ they were please send bail money
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
J: Hard luck, kid
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Doc: Your insurance won’t cover it all.
Me: What if I sewed myself shut?
Doc: Suture self.