@Feenohmenal

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

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@bobvulfov

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

@beefman138

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

@krustythe_klown

[12 doctors in a meeting] alright. which one of you idiots leaked the 1 weird tip to lose weight that doctors wont tell you. IDIOTS!

@CAshmanActor

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

@RobDenBleyker

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

@Shot_Of_Cabo

The good thing about being a chubby chaser is you don’t have to run very fast or very far.

@Parentpains

Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.

@stanleybehrman

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

@jellybnbonanza

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.