My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
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*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
house sitting!
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm