@Feenohmenal

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

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@Brianhopecomedy

I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don’t have a garden.

@rebrafsim

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

@millercycle

just heard a 19-year-old talk about how ‘exhausted’ they were please send bail money

@TeaAndCopy

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

@NewDadNotes

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

@daemonic3

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

@LosLos__

Doc: Your insurance won’t cover it all.
Me: What if I sewed myself shut?
Doc: Suture self.