My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
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It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.