My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
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Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
How did we not see this back then?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*