@HeyoShellz

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

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@DurtMcHurtt

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

@Jamie1947

Kanye on the beach, by the water, holding two large conch shells up to either ear.
“That’s incredible”, he says
“When did I record this?”

@ojedge

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

@sapphicgrI

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

@WheelTod

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

@T_N_Crumpets

*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!

@Brianhopecomedy

It may have looked like I was doing crunches but I was just trying to get up.

@AimeeHelene1

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

@liamstack

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

@human_dis4ster

new tinder idea: upload all my photos upside down so girls turn their phone to look at them, obviously realise am ugly and swipe left but of course that’s now actually right bing bang boom match