@Alohababe2011

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

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@_Water_Baby

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

@tornebrook

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

@TheToddWilliams

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

@markedly

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

@FSUSteve

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

@MarfSalvador

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

@RandySmithWhat

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

CIA: They’re*

@JimmerThatisAll

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

@novicefather

[1st ppl to go camping]
wife: what do u wanna do this week?
hubs: luxury cruise?
w: no
h: nice hotel?
w: no
h: pretend to be homeless
w: YES