@Alohababe2011

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

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@TheDeducers

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

@TheAlexNevil

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

@xLiserx

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

@IamJackBoot

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

@stuckinaportal

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

@tweetsbyrocket

911: what’s your emergency

me: someone stole my watch

911: when did this happen

me: how am i supposed to know

@KentWGraham

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

@DanMentos

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

@MoneypennyNaked

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris