my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
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[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
what
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money