Put a mirror on the ceiling.
It will be sexy.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
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WIFE: it’s your turn to change the baby. he left you a little present haha
ME: *opens diaper* how the hell did he get an x box in there??
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Cop: Painted blue?
Cop: With nails glued on?
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Pineapple upside down cake
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs