@NYorNothing

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

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@dannyboy7813

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

@TheHyyyype

WIFE: it’s your turn to change the baby. he left you a little present haha

ME: *opens diaper* how the hell did he get an x box in there??

@Darlainky

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

@noog

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

@UncleDuke1969

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

@70Ceeks

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

@CloydRivers

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.