My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
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me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.