My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
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[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Whoa 😂
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.