My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

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Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.


JESUS: everyone loves me
GABRIEL: wat about judas
GOD: o snap
JESUS: dad
GOD: u’ve just been…
JESUS: dont do this


[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”


Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.


Sober in an Uber: Please don’t talk to me. I don’t know you.

Drunk in an Uber: I want to get married one day, but I put up emotional walls


Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.


“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”


Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..


what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?