My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
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Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?