You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
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me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”