Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
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doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.