My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
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The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
what’s really going on
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine